The last few days of 2025 were some of the happiest in my life. On Christmas Eve, I started a new medication and that changed my world.
I’ve been fighting doctors for years to try and figure out what is going on with me. I’ve struggled all my life with health issues - migraines, Hashimoto hypothyroid, mental health, fatigue, and various injuries that always hit a lot harder than they should. In April 2024 I had a 2 level neck fusion after a bulged disc impinged the nerves that control my right arm. I had lost all use of my right arm and had to do intense physical therapy to learn how to use it again. I am unsteady on my feet and fall frequently - I’ve had more than one tumble down the stairs and once resulted in a broken tailbone. I got in a minor car accident last February injuring both of my wrists and my right elbow. They have never been the same. Last March, I got Flu B and am still suffering long-term side effects. Needless to say, I’ve been through a lot medically. Now, this new medication didn’t solve all of my problems, but it was a key component in my mental health, which was a major hurdle.
I have struggled with my mental health for most of my adult life. I was plagued with anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. I’ve collected multiple diagnoses that I don’t think fit, but was boxed into in order to try various medications and therapies to satisfy the insurance company. During a private meeting with my group therapist, she told me she doesn’t think those diagnoses fit, but being Autistic does. A few weeks later she evaluated me for ADHD and Autism. Two weeks before my 42nd birthday, I received the diagnosis of ADHD Combined and Autism, or AuDHD. Many late-diagnosed neurodivergent folks often “crash out” after their diagnosis. And boy, did I crash out.
This time last year I was part of a partial hospitalization program for mental health. I had hit my breaking point and had serious thoughts of self harm. There are a lot of things that led up to the chaos that was my mental health, and it finally came to a head just about a week before Christmas. I left work in the middle of the day, drove to the mental health hospital, and checked myself in. Part of my discharge plan included participating in their partial hospitalization program(PHP) and then their intensive outpatient program(IOP). I did my best to make the most of the programs, but at the end of February, I still had not improved much. I spent hours in therapy every week consisting of art therapy, psychoeducation, group therapy, and regular appointments with a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I tried so many medications, and while some helped in small ways, I was still a mess. After I graduated the IOP, I began meeting weekly with a wonderful therapist.
I was doing all the right things - therapy, meditation, journaling, taking up hobbies - yet, I just felt the walls closing in on me. I didn’t feel great, but everyone else around me was telling me I was doing so well. I still had daily thoughts of unaliving myself, I just learned I couldn’t tell people about it. The weight of the world was suffocating me.
Something kept telling me that I was starting perimenopause. I was hearing more about it and connecting the dots of my symptoms together. I had been diagnosed with PMDD in my early thirties, and while I know that diagnosis is correct, I received virtually no treatment. It has also been shown that women with ADHD are impacted more severely by the hormone shifts that occur throughout our monthly cycle and perimenopause. I found a local gynecologist who could see me within a week, and went to the appointment. When the nurse called my name in the waiting room, I knew instantly that I was not going to receive care that respected my reproductive health choices. Before she left the exam room she proved me right. I may go into that another time, but I knew I would not get the care that would actually help me. After that appointment I looked again at the list of gynecologists in my insurance network. I researched multiple providers, reading their bios and patient reviews to clue me in on their knowledge of perimenopause. I finally selected one of the 8 providers in my city, but she could not see me for six months. So I continued to see the awful doctor, hoping that the limited options she wanted to try would point me in the right direction.
When I finally saw the doctor I had been waiting for, my expectations were exceeded. She listened intently, explained thoroughly, and ran blood tests. She started me on actual HRT. Twice a week I apply an estrogen patch, nightly I take progesterone, but the key was testosterone. Our current FDA standards do not include testosterone for women experiencing perimenopause, so it is not covered by insurance. My doctor explained all of this to me, and helped me find the pharmacy with the best price.
I started testosterone on Christmas Eve. That morning I went for scheduled blood work ordered from my primary doctor, and then I went to the pharmacy to pick up my 10 month supply of testosterone gel. I got home and applied it. I never expected to see results that day, or even that week. Four hours later I broke down in tears because I felt that much better. I cried in my husbands arms, and thanked him for sticking by my side all these chaotic years. I’m so thankful for him. While both of us said and did many things that the other didn’t deserve, I know he truly loves me and I will be forever grateful for his unwavering determination to be there for me.
It’s been two weeks applying testosterone daily, alternating sides of my upper arm and shoulder. I’ve been so clear headed. My outlook on life has been transformed. I have optimism again. I have a cheery disposition again. I have patience. I think before acting. I am able to address issues without massive conflict. Multiple curve balls have been thrown my way over the past two weeks. Two month ago, any one of the issues I’ve faced would have ended up with me laying in my bed crying for days. Now, its just the problems I face for that day and I deal with it and move on. No conflict. No turmoil. No downward spiral.
I have so many emotions surrounding starting testosterone. I think my hormonal imbalances started so much earlier that anyone realized. I’m talking elementary school. I haven’t had time to deconstruct that with my therapist so I’ll save that for another day.
I’m optimistic, yet cautious. There are some things I’ve noticed since starting it I do not like (my night sweats are back), but in the grand scope of everything, I can put up with night sweats if it means I don’t want to off myself every day I wake up. I will need to do follow up blood work to monitor everything, but I am just going to enjoy this for as long as I can. The blood work I did on Christmas Eve did indicate some issues that I need to address, but as most people with chronic illnesses will tell you, I am relieved that the tests results are finally reflective of my symptoms.
This Christmas and New Years was the best we’ve had in so many years. Not because we got extravagant gifts or traveled. I had my mind back. I was myself. I was the Lindsey everyone remembered. My life was interrupted, but I’m back to where I can move forward again.
